Performance Related Happiness.

9 Apr 2016

I've been aware for many years that there's a direct link between whether I have accomplished something and my moods.

The thought of tackling not just one 'to do' mountain, but several, (usually clothes and paper) all hangs over me like a too heavy, scruffy old coat. I feel guilty and unsettled, unable to shift nagging thoughts that there are 'so many huge things I need to tackle.' My scores dip below what's 'ok for me.'

Moodscopers have provided little nuggets of gold. Asking for help, though I often don't. Being more gentle with myself or just making a start on one thing. I know that it'll happen. I won't be able to ignore the mountains any longer!

The most productive times can be unplanned, "I'm just passing, not really going to stop to get stuck into this right now...". Before going away on holiday, "I want it to be nice/clear for when I get back".

The dreaded "By the way mum, someone's coming over" from the children (picture a blue arsed fly chasing a headless chicken around panic stations). Or even worse, after the horse has bolted, "That was embarrassing. I'll just put those away...".

Often I'll moan about it for ages, wait 'till I have time, procrastinate for a bit, then on a good day, I make a start. Sometimes that's all it is, a start, but the ball has been shifted.

Sometimes though, the action leads to more action - takes off and the momentum keeps me going, "Can't stop, I'm on a roll!" Waving merrily to passers by.

I'm now wary of those. I start to feel my back aching, I'm looking at socks and losing the will to wear any ever again. But I press on, push myself further than I know is good for any of us, "What's for dinner mum?" (owls hooting in the distance). They're 17 and 22!

I wring myself dry, "Make the most of this burst of energy while it lasts 'cos who knows when I'll get going again?". Or grim determination, "I've started so I'll finish".

This morning, it was lovely having breakfast cooked by a teenager on a clear dining table. I'd blitzed that one room enough for one afternoon and stopped.

Next, the spare room. The very costly computer may actually be in use for revision! Well that's what they call social networking these days I think.

Happy days, my score today just above what's ok for me. A good feeling, not too high and it's something I DO have some control over.

Why then do I get this monkey chatter that something's not quite right? Surely my happiness shouldn't rely on my performance? Yes I've been conditioned to feel good about 'being good', but is that what's going on? Am I just Pavlov's dog in a dress? Or am I simply happy to have something that I wanted come to fruition?

Does anyone else recognise Performance Related Happiness?

Lillipet :)

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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