I have had 69 checkered years on this earth. The next birthday, this year, is a big one.
I am not dreading it. I am planning it. Planning to have... maybe not 70... but lots of little celebrations. Reasons to be cheerful, one, two, three! There are many. I have lots to be grateful for, believe you me!
But. (And there’s always a but, isn’t there!) I have to think carefully about the way forward. If I’m lucky, I’ve got a couple of decades left, however... nobody knows... do they?
So. What do I wish to achieve in the next decade(s)?
Everest climb? Nope. Don’t be silly!!
Work? No, no, no! No more stress-provoking deadlines, thanks. Ever.
Voluntary work? No thanks. I’ve volunteered all my life, and tried to put quarts into pint pots. It’s too much of a squeeze!
The fact is, I no longer want to undertake anything where the buck stops with me, this being in part because of my ‘dodgy’ mental health, which makes me unreliable. I have coping strategies that mask the worst times, and in elevated mood I try, for example, to self-monitor, and restrain my wildest shopping excesses! It’s not healthy, or without consequences.
But still today I feel a constant need to be productive, overtly so. As if the outside world is judging me on productivity.
Perhaps it’s all in the mind, however, with time slipping by, I’d like to prioritise. Show what I can do, leave something behind for posterity, if only for my children and grandchildren. I’m fumbling in the dark to find answers.
Perhaps you know this feeling , Moodscopers, and can help me see a little bit clearer.
A Moodscope member.