When news started to break that the thing I find hard to name was reaching around the world and bothering us all, I started to shake. I recognised it. I had the very same response at the moment I gave birth to two babies. Feeling the responsibility and wondering how I would continue to raise a three year old alongside this huge demand left me with an internal shake which sometimes spilled outward. My metabolism cranked up and I lost weight. I was on alert at all times. This is similar for me.
Sometimes when I shake outwardly I can pretend it's the cold as the weather is still chilly at times. I am working hard at keeping this in check. I can't do anything about the worry deep inside but I can keep in check the physical manifestations. I find myself waking at 4am and practising breathing techniques to calm me and return me to a slumber. And every moment of joy is intensified, how lucky is that!
I am sitting again, in my car, watching my son do his training. He is a goalie so it's very solo training. Three boys, very far apart, a fantastic coach who I have written of before. This week Saturday and Sunday training which is just what is needed for my teenager whose world has been turned upside down. (He smiled afterward and I hadn't seen that for a bit.) The sun is pouring out of the sky. The radio is gentle and comforting. The people walking with dogs and the dad playing with his son with a football... all to be soaked in. And the calm returns. If, even only for a short time, I can find this calm, then I know it's there and I can grow it! We can grow it.
If you are unsettled and unsure, please take comfort. We are all unsettled and unsure. But there are people using their skills to care for us. Let them. Our job is to keep us in check and find ways to combat our own little bit. Take control of what is within your hand reach and do that. The vision of watching my son playing is within my hand reach for this hour and I am thankful it is now there, in the memory bank, for later when I need it. We have each other, we have been social distancing from each other for a very long time and we are so practised in that! We are so very lucky to have each other and we will keep stepping onwards together.
The room above the garage
A Moodscope Member.