Starting over

28 Feb 2019

Recently in her blog All the things I never did... (19 February 2019), The Gardener hit on the downer that has plagued me since 2010. In some ways, I've healed, but I still feel like I'm a lost wanderer.

I've been called a collector – a collector of information. I want to know everything there is to know. You probably can't come up with a subject that I won't find interesting. So at age 57, I take free online courses (currently and simultaneously I'm taking a course on Jane Austen, on behavior and genetics, genealogy, the history of royal British fashion, the buildings of ancient Rome, and prep to get my real estate license. I learned to ride a motorcycle at age 51, travel extensively, regularly take photography courses and workshops, write a bit (nothing published – too scared), and run a very successful pet care business. I garden and do crafts.

I read books on antiques, ethology, Dickens, psychology, travel guides, woodworking.

Yet, I find myself feeling extraordinarily unsatisfied (not dissatisfied). I have a seriously troubled relationship with my mother, brother, son, and daughter. I have no friends (yes, for real, no friends). I've failed miserably at volunteering. I lost my career in animal sheltering back in 2010 in a rather dramatic series of events that ended with my being institutionalized. Humans are cruel creatures when they get on a crusade; they believe they can do no wrong. I have PTSD and can no longer work; Lord knows I've tried, which has only added to my feelings of inadequacy and failure.

I have a driving desire to move someplace far away (from my native Texas). The mountains of North Carolina perhaps. And start over. My soulmate/husband of 38 years worries that I would be jumping out of the pot into the fire. But I have a driving desire to clear my mind, rid myself of driving past locations that bring only heart-wrenching memories, and establishing new routines for myself.

I know running away is not an answer, but I feel more like I would be cleaning house, purging, renewing, reviving.

Have you ever tried to start over only to find you were running away? Were there clues beforehand that you were probably making a mistake? Or did you launch a new start and found it so wonderful you wondered why you took so long? What did you find useful in making your decision?


A Moodscope member

P.S. Thank you to each and every one of you for being constant and true. It's so hard to find "real" people in this world. My daughter-in-law knows (some, but not all) of my mental health issues, and is afraid of them. She has cameras in her home to watch when I am with my grandchildren. Why can't she just talk to me about this? I can help educate her!

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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