Recently in her blog All the things I never did... (19 February 2019), The Gardener hit on the downer that has plagued me since 2010. In some ways, I've healed, but I still feel like I'm a lost wanderer.
I've been called a collector – a collector of information. I want to know everything there is to know. You probably can't come up with a subject that I won't find interesting. So at age 57, I take free online courses (currently and simultaneously I'm taking a course on Jane Austen, on behavior and genetics, genealogy, the history of royal British fashion, the buildings of ancient Rome, and prep to get my real estate license. I learned to ride a motorcycle at age 51, travel extensively, regularly take photography courses and workshops, write a bit (nothing published – too scared), and run a very successful pet care business. I garden and do crafts.
I read books on antiques, ethology, Dickens, psychology, travel guides, woodworking.
Yet, I find myself feeling extraordinarily unsatisfied (not dissatisfied). I have a seriously troubled relationship with my mother, brother, son, and daughter. I have no friends (yes, for real, no friends). I've failed miserably at volunteering. I lost my career in animal sheltering back in 2010 in a rather dramatic series of events that ended with my being institutionalized. Humans are cruel creatures when they get on a crusade; they believe they can do no wrong. I have PTSD and can no longer work; Lord knows I've tried, which has only added to my feelings of inadequacy and failure.
I have a driving desire to move someplace far away (from my native Texas). The mountains of North Carolina perhaps. And start over. My soulmate/husband of 38 years worries that I would be jumping out of the pot into the fire. But I have a driving desire to clear my mind, rid myself of driving past locations that bring only heart-wrenching memories, and establishing new routines for myself.
I know running away is not an answer, but I feel more like I would be cleaning house, purging, renewing, reviving.
Have you ever tried to start over only to find you were running away? Were there clues beforehand that you were probably making a mistake? Or did you launch a new start and found it so wonderful you wondered why you took so long? What did you find useful in making your decision?
A Moodscope member
P.S. Thank you to each and every one of you for being constant and true. It's so hard to find "real" people in this world. My daughter-in-law knows (some, but not all) of my mental health issues, and is afraid of them. She has cameras in her home to watch when I am with my grandchildren. Why can't she just talk to me about this? I can help educate her!
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