The laundry list in my closet

25 Mar 2021

As I write this I am still somewhat perturbed by my psychiatrist. For most of my adult life I have cycled in and out of counselling, group therapy, and doctors offices; both family and psychiatric to wrestle with that demon depression. There were many medications since I was 18 and was diagnosed with "clinical depression," and am now 45, the labels have piled up. 

In December 2019 I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt. I went before a panel of white coats almost daily and we discussed all things pertaining to my history and mental health. Often the doctors would ask; ”How is it you haven't been here(in the psych hospital) before?! "I would curtly answer:" I am here now that is all that matters," knowing full well what they meant. How had my issues and life events not brought me to a psych ward before?!

I was placed on lithium and it seemed to be the super glue my frazzled fractured mind needed. Until it cost me a lot of my hair. I am not bald but I am vain as could be so I stopped and took another med in its place. 

Bipolar disorder was discussed and negated. "You don't fit the spectrum." I don't have an organisation of 3 months of high speed and then 2 months of depression and I am not a powerhouse of accomplishments when sleep becomes non existent, so I don't quite fit that mantra. 

Recently I picked up paperwork I had received from my "head doctor," and saw written under diagnosis: "Bipolar disorder," for the first time in my life. "Borderline personality disorder," was next. And I was shocked. How can I be so many things?! Especially if the old "clinical depression, now called "unipolar depression," still stands, along with CPTSD, anxiety and several specific phobias. 

So I made an appointment and am waiting, very fed up, that I am now a collection of labels that only seem to be accumulating. One of my questions is; “Can a diagnosis change or do they just get stacked up as per each doctor's opinion?!" 

In the past I have not responded well to medications typically used to treat bipolar disorder other than lithium, and I don't have a problem being bipolar but if they doctors could just make up their minds... about mine. 

It used to feel like, since I didn't see little green people everywhere I was not a high priority case for the mental health system and was simply dismissed. That did not work well either, as I wrote in my disability application; “I feel like I have been trying to do normal without normal ingredients." And in AA meetings, they say:”Normal is just a setting on your clothes dryer.' 

So I am willing to accept what is, once that which IS, is truly nailed down. I don't want to be one of each of the mental health laundry list, and who can blame me?! 

I am happy to tell you that although I might also have OCD, I did not hit one and two on my phone repeatedly while I waited on hold to make my next appointment. Haha. We can laugh or we can cry at life's calamities... and today I chose to laugh. This too shall pass. And be deciphered. Eventually. 


A Moodscope member.

Joke: a man was diagnosed as terminally ill by his family doctor and given 6 months to live. "But doctor," the man protested. "I can't pay off my medical bills in such a short time!"

So the doctor gave him six more months.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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