When I am struggling, I am depressed. Sometimes I'm angry. The blinkers come on and I see only a narrow tunnel. It seems the best way through is to put up my collar, stuff hands in pockets and bury my chin down. Be smaller. Be less.
A while ago, I found meditation a huge help. And then I let it tail off. I've reintroduced a daily practice but I've yet to reap the benefits anything like I had before. Perhaps it's just that the novelty has gone but I will stick with it. It's a crutch and I need one.
During my (guided) practice, I am often encouraged to choose whether I am 'thinking' or 'feeling' when I am distracted. I am encouraged to use one of those descriptions, very briefly, and then move back to listening for my breath. This ten minute, daily practice is to strengthen my mind and make a new pattern develop. The aim is so that when I am bombarded with distractions during my day, I might remember to do this and access the peace I so crave.
Using this limited vocabulary in the moment of meditation allows us to refocus quickly. But it has brought me to realise that I've also been using limited vocabulary when I think of my mood. And perhaps if I am more specific in my word choice it will shine a little light into corners where my demons are lurking. Maybe I could flush some of them out! I've had a little think. And I've decided that right now I am brave enough to admit that I am:
Sad. Confused. Lonely.
There we are. They are not the prettiest bunch and I look at them with neither inspiration nor admiration. But they are honest. And although I am not in any way ready to deal with them, now that I have labelled them, there is a glimmer of hope that I can use them as a mark in the sand.
Are you able today to choose your three little words? Sometimes writing them out takes away just a little of their power. And if you are in a good place, your three little words might just give us a rainbow to aim for.
The room above the garage
A Moodscope member