To know and not to say = trouble.

22 Jan 2015

I went to work in Switzerland with a group of women on 'Deepening their EQ'. They have been together now for 3 years in a very focussed and sharing way. The organisation they are in is a prestigious one.

The 36 hour session in the mountains went very well and the disclosures they offered blew me away...things that had not been revealed in 36 months...things that had been in people's heads and not out in the open.

These revelations truly made the group uncomfortable and some people feeling very guilty.

Briefly about one exercise (after building trust for 24 hours):

Everyone writes a post-it note with some feedback for each of the others in the room in silence. They then stick them on each other's back. I explore how comfortable they feel when others can see the feedback and they cannot. When sitting at lunch they take time to then read out in front of the others what they are seeing for the first time

One participant who had taken much thought in writing down feedback for all other seven members on post-its, was tearful at lunch but didn't reveal why.

When we returned to the workshop and during another exercise, the same person bursts into tears and states that everyone had had great feedback except for her and that she felt completely undervalued – WOW!

What courage to 'dare greatly' as you could feel the room shift and the EQ deepen. Now no matter what anyone then said – to DJE (Defend, Justify or Explain) – the damage was done.

No one had really spent any time talking deeply with this person over the 36 months that the group had been together to make her aware of how they felt about her behaviour.

So...they had always been positive with her, but, not truthful, authentic and transparent.

Now all the pain was pouring out in front of their eyes or more importantly their hearts.

If we wish for a sustainable relationship in work or even family we have to live 'in the moment' and speak from our heart not our head. If two people say exactly the same thing but one does so with the intent to grow the person and one is attempting to control a situation, the first will be welcomed and the second will be refused or even rejected.

How do we speak - heart or head? How do we offer - kindness or curt? What is our intent when feeding back? How many of us do not tackle a relationship with deep heartfelt intent?

How many of us avoid the discomfort in the hope that it will get better?

If you know and don't say – you don't know and neither do they.


A Moodscope member.

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