Yesterday I was reflecting on something that had happened in counselling during the morning. My counsellor had mentioned something about my decision to end my relationship and about it being a permanent state. I shed a few tears at this point but was unable to pinpoint why. It played on my mind a bit throughout the day as I couldn't really understand my reaction. I am happy with my decision, I do not want to reverse it, I see no future for us. So why does the thought of divorce and the finality of everything reduce me to tears?
Driving to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. It was foggy this morning on the roads and I could only see the immediate space my car was occupying on the road. I was unable to see into the distance. Yet I didn't panic, I knew the road so could anticipate what was up ahead, I obviously had to drive carefully because of not being able to track other cars on the road but other than that I trusted in my knowledge of the road to not be phased by the fog.
My clarity this morning came from realising that it is not the decision to end the relationship that triggered the tears, it was the uncertainty of what lies ahead. It's a road I haven't been down before so I can't anticipate what is coming up. It's like the new road is foggy, just like my drive to work. All I can see right now is my immediate surroundings, and it feels unnerving to not know what is further up the road. Sometimes it's exciting not knowing, feeling a sense of anticipation, but then the realisation that it's not a book I'm reading but my actual life can sometimes make me want to turn back down the road where I've come from.
Just like driving in the fog on the trusted road to work, I need to learn to tune into my instinct and to trust in myself as I begin to journey down unfamiliar territory. That's what I would have done had I driven a different route to work this morning. I would have travelled slowly, looking all around me as hard as I could to be aware of where I was, I would have drawn upon my knowledge of driving codes, knowledge of the area and trusted in my instincts. But, whatever road I was on, the fog would have cleared from the immediate space and that is all that matters. That the space where I exist, the here and now, is all I need to be able to focus on. The fog will clear as I get there, I don't need to be able to see what's there until I arrive there. So it was a lesson in living for the moment and not being afraid of not being able to see what awaits further down the road.
A Moodscope member.