Turning my back behind the past

5 May 2021

The lifting of lockdown in the UK, the arrival of spring and so much good weather has appeared to bring a sunniness to the nation’s mood.

But I am on my guard....enjoying life’s pleasures but always with one eye out for that lolloping black dog. He who brings bad thoughts, paranoia and a distorted sense of reality.

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind, with a variety of emotions flying around. I returned home to my refurbished house. At last home after eight months in temporary accommodation. The delight of being home dropped as the sheer physical exhaustion of moving house kicked in. It was not helped by sharp criticism by my mother for the house ‘being messy’. This comment stung as two or three critical pieces of furniture had not arrived due to complications at the port post Brexit and I was surrounded by boxes.

Being sensitive to criticism (who isn’t?), tired, and emotionally processing the trauma of what happened and moving home, I did not respond well. Fortunately I spared my sharp tongue but was really unwell for a couple of weeks, hearing negativity and criticism everywhere.

Today in my garden as I turn the soil, finally tackling the weeds and break into the compost heap, I am looking to the future. To the crop of red and black currants currently flowering. To the prospect of a daughter finishing dreaded exams and having a summer of freedom. To a big birthday and being able to celebrate with friends (not family!). To being me, aware of the dreaded black dog, but not letting it stop me dream nor believe in a better future.


A Moodscope member

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