Unwanted antannae, pickle loving and overthinking

15 Jul 2019

Does anyone else have this? When you are so low, somehow you unwittingly tune into others' emotions and then absorb their negative energy or emotions, leaving you impossibly drained.

Since our beloved dog died a few weeks ago, I have had possibly the worst month I've had in a long while. Not only have I battled with my own emotions, I have been considering my husband's and then the people I care for professionally in a paid capacity. Added to the mix has been a welcome upturn in my business in the funeral industry, again a chosen role but one which will mean that you have to be ultra professional even in times of your own personal stress. It has not gone without notice of the D-Day celebrations where I tell myself to get a grip as these wonderful veterans have gone through so so much to give us our freedom.

Yet I feel terribly guilty. For stressing about things that don't really matter. For not appreciating the life I have been given that could have turned out so differently had they not been so brave on behalf of us.

But thinking back to the antannae... this is something that really drains me and I don't know how to stop it. For reasons of pride, of forgetfulness, of concentrating on anyone but myself, I have been forgetting to take my medication, 20 mg of Citalopram which keeps me on an even keel... but there is always the other aspect - does it actually kill other things that may enhance my life? So not on the pills, that make me level-headed, I become susceptible to every little irritation that is directed towards me... and I take it on board. All the energy vampires are suddenly drawn towards me like a moth to a flame and I give myself up so readily. Why can I not have that healthy forcefield that magnetically repels such behaviour – no such luck. Every little irritation that is displayed by others is magnified.. a wrongly pronounced name due to a language barrier... but one that has never been attested to previously as annoying until now... until the very moment I don't need it. Or the helpful gesture which was taken as the opposite.Or my beautiful dog dying. Or my up and down finances. Or my up and down business. Or my attempts to get other part-time work which are proving seemingly futile.

Just recently, I have turned down four social occasions. I'm not exactly the social butterfly but I would not say I was backwards in coming forwards either. But because I've been down and not wanting to either answer the inevitable questions – how's work or where are you working now – I have avoided these. Probably because I feel that I don't want others to be miserable in my company.

And then I feel lonely. And that no-one likes me. And I absorb everything that I didn't intend to. What a pickle... any other pickle lovers or over-thinkers out there or am I totally on my own?


A Moodscope member

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