Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother and sister, but I wouldn’t choose either of them as a friend.

I know there are people reading this who have no contact with their siblings, or where the relationship has been poisoned by the behaviour of the sibling in question.

No, we wouldn’t choose each other as friends but we have all deliberately chosen to love each other and to live with the perceived faults of the others. We work at it.

I view my sister as too intense and focused to the nth degree. She is a problem solver and is determined to do every job right. She says she is unpopular because she spots the problems that other people would prefer to ignore and she is judgemental. Perhaps so. I know she struggles not to be judgmental with me because I am inefficient with our mother’s finances and she feels I don’t give her enough practical help. 

Those things could cause problems with our relationship.

My brother is the big picture man. He does only what is important to him. He’s all about effectiveness rather than efficiency and will take any shortcut that is offered. He too is very judgemental, and I disagree with him on quite a few social issues.

This too, could cause problems.

My mother can talk for England and sometimes has a sharp tongue. To be honest, that’s the worst I can find to say about her. She’s warm-hearted and generous and has lots of friends. You don’t have friends if you’re a mean-hearted curmudgeon. But I could choose to be hurt when she uses that sharp tongue on me. I try not to be.

We know marriages take work, but so too do family relationships. It does take two, however. I don’t think you can do it on your own. There are many people who would love to have a good relationship with their parents, children or siblings, but the behaviour of that brother or sister, parent or child, makes this impossible. I have an uncle and an aunt who have not spoken to each other for over thirty years. They fell out over my grandmother’s will and that was that. I think they should just get over it, but then I am not wearing their shoes.

Sometimes the only thing to do is to walk away in order to spare ourselves more hurt and guilt. If we need to do that for our own self-care, then we should not feel more guilt. Just because you’re family, doesn’t mean you will get on. Sometimes however, it does mean working with the faults of that family member, living with their imperfections and dealing with the inevitable – hopefully infrequent – pain and upset this can cause.

I know many people reading this will have difficult family relationships. Have you stuck with them, or have you had to walk away? I think it’s fine to do either.

Mary

A Moodscope member