(Slightly messy blog from me today, sorry.) I now realise my mum raised me in potent and powerful negativity. That stunted me as a person. It had an enormous impact on how I grew (I didn’t) and how my mental health formed arms, legs and gap years in all manners of plural. It was not a love I could register. It’s taken me my whole adult life so far to discover what happened and to begin formulating a plan to get somewhere near the track.
There. That’s me said it. I’ve been trying to say it for an extremely long time and each time I tried, it typed out as just a monumental trail of mushy words, black on white, dull, lengthy and utterly useless. Now, it has been said. Now, we move on. (Except it will probably fuel a thousand blogs.)
I haven’t the patience anymore to waste time. So much has been wasted and it’s simply irretrievable. What I must do is be respectful (be respectful again, as always, as she is unaware of any of this) and, at the same time, be rigorous in investing in me. And I will. It has been happening in small ways for a year or so and it’s growing. Each quarter step feels scary and tenuous but also fabulous. Each quarter step feels like the satisfaction you feel when, on a late summer evening, as dusk is falling and warmth is receding, you pull on a soft jumper when you are outside, and your heart swells knowing you have a little of the days delights left… that feeling.
I know I’m going to be ok and that is pretty huge. I might allow myself a tear.
Have you realised yet that you are going to be ok? I’ll walk with you.
The slightly more grown up room above the garage
A Moodscope member.
PS. She had her reasons, and I’m currently working out how to stop becoming very angry and instead forgive and/or move on whilst glossing over it.
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