I do not want to be here

24 Jun 2021

His loud words clashed with the cold air, “I do not want to be here, don’t you understand?” I was walking past a place for assisted living when one of the residents was shouting to the world how unhappy he was and how misunderstood he felt. I could not see him, but I could hear him.


I wanted to tell him that I understood his pain, that I too had not wanted to be somewhere, and I too felt that no one had been listening. Many times, I had been frustrated like him and wanted to shout out so everyone could hear my pain, but I never did.

I remember being in my French class one day when I was 16 after being absent from school for some time as I was depressed. The teacher asked me to translate into French, “We should be happy” and I heard everyone snigger and giggle.

The girl sitting next to me said you really should wash your hair as it is disgusting. It was oily and stuck like stringy liquorice to my head as I had not washed it for weeks. I wanted to shout I do not even want to be here. It took all my energy to come to school and all you do is laugh. Instead, I ran out of the room without asking and cried in the toilet.


This young man was expressing what many of us feel. The fact we are not content with where we are and what we want is someone to really listen to what we are saying.

I wonder if any of you have said or experienced what this young man spoke. Have you ever felt like you did not want to be here and communicated that to people who did not, could not or would not understand.?

Have you ever heard anyone speak out loud those words and if so, how were you affected?


A Moodscope member.

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