Seeking Serenity

15 Oct 2022

Why are you so angry, she accuses me. She is slightly drunk, having yelled at me in the middle of the restaurant and again on the street. I walk calmly to my car as people all around us stare. I say that I am not angry, but that I am not going to let you treat me badly anymore. She throws words like immature and sanctimonious at me. She plays the victim card again - all my life I’ve had to take care of you children, when your brother was in the hospital... I cut her off. 

It’s not anger. It’s standing up for the little girl who was too afraid to say anything. You were not the only one, I say. There were four other people that were hurting, being hurt. She has told me on several occasions that she doesn’t want to know me anymore. I feel guilty because she is 80 years old. This may be the last time I see her. But I will not back down. Am I angry? Perhaps. But it doesn’t feel like anger. It feels like empowerment. You never apologise, I say. For what? she yells. For when you were suicidal she sneers. You called me 11, 12 times to tell me you were suicidal. So, I ask, why didn’t you help? 

I realise I am angry. I can no longer keep silent for the sake of keeping the peace. Because my soul, my self worth is on the line. You did your damage to me when I was little, I think, but I am little no more. You stand there, throwing gasoline on the fire, and then innocently stand back and ask why everyone is so upset. I have my own daughter now. I can’t imagine saying the things to her that you said to me. You yell at me, you don’t know what it’s like, you have the perfect child. In my mind, I think, you did too. You just never saw it. 

I am very angry. 

Later when I am alone I remember that this argument and all the others - they don’t matter. What matters is my anger. And that anger is a misplaced part within me that I need to heal. It doesn’t matter what she says. The thing to concentrate on is not her and her words, but how I feel. In my gut I feel rage. And the rage is the thing that I need to heal or I will never be free. So I sit and close my eyes and breathe and watch the rage go from white hot to blazing orange to a dull yellow and then to nothing. And I feel my anger go from a 10 to an 8 to a 5 then...calm. And I realise the important thing is that I can heal myself, bring myself back to a place of calm, without an apology or outside influence. The important thing is not that anyone is right or wrong. The important thing is peace. 


Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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