I have been a little anxious these past few days, after the loss of my parents I have found it very difficult to let anything go that was either theirs, their gifts to me, or anything that they loved or reminds me of them – that doesn't leave a lot!
Anyway I digress...
There are four trees so close up against our house that, although once safe (...and loved by Mum and Dad!) they have now become unsafe and my hubby and I have had to make the decision to have them felled. It was not an easy decision but one that with time (and more than a pinch of patience from my very supportive OH) has indeed seen the phone call made. So for a week we have been preparing everything in readiness for the tree surgeons' arrival tomorrow.
Now throughout that time my emotions have been up and down more times than a fiddlers elbow. I have agonised at length about whether we are doing the right thing (I mean we can't change our minds once they're felled) will we miss their presence? (even though there are few windows we can actually see fully out of now) will the trees feel anything? (I read somewhere only a week ago that they have heartbeats…) would Mum and Dad approve? (I'm sure they do, I keep finding feathers so believe they are watching over us) not to mention all the other little thoughts going round and round in my head.
Anyway, it was building up into a crescendo and my OH warned me not to let it make me ill. I must stay present, live in the moment and not let my thoughts run away with me. Then I got the text "Sorry can't make it tomorrow, tractor's broken down, it'll be next week now. Apologies for any inconvenience" I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, feel relieved or deflated. But then I realised something, I had allowed myself to get caught up in the 'what ifs' and 'overthinking pit' for DAYS. All the worry building up to tomorrow had been for nothing (I mean the emotional volcano that was bubbling not the practical stuff – that [as always] kept me grounded) and it reminded me of some of my favourite words:
You can't suffer the past or future as they don't exist – you can only suffer your memory or imagination!
... And I had indeed allowed myself to suffer my thoughts rather than run with them. Good memories are something to be treasured and being excited about something you are working toward is what keeps most people going, but these thoughts and memories must not be allowed to become destructive to us.
There is no point in living anywhere but in this present moment – so our task must be to make that moment as good as we can (but if it falls short – let it go) and move toward your new present moment.
How do you live in the now?
A Moodscope member.
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