What has caused my mental health problems that have blighted my life?
Was I born with a tendency to have mental health problems? If so why, because I am not aware of any history of mental health issues in my family. Then again, such problems were not spoken openly about and under diagnosed, so there could have been. My daughter also suffers, but is this nurture or nature?
Was it because I was shy. As a child I was clingy and I still don't like large gatherings. However, I did have a managerial role involving public speaking. My ability to cope with this role varied depending on if I was on a high or low. When low, other staff helped and when in the office left me alone to come out of it. When high I relished the public speaking and often interrupted colleagues when they were wanting to concentrate by chatting incessantly. Am I an introvert compensating with stressful effort to impress others?
Was it the lack of physical affection as a child. I knew I was loved but no cuddles. Was it the sexual abuse when I was 9 by a relative? I have had talking therapy for this but perhaps the damage was permanently etched into my inner child?
Will I ever be free? I have come to terms with the medication, rather like a diabetic accepts lifelong insulin. I do all of the self help strategies which I have found helps. Despite this, depression keeps creeping up on me like a black rain cloud that drifts over me, sometimes I can see it approaching, sometimes I just wake and it's there.
Do you have any theories about 'Why you' and like me, do you become angry about the unfairness of it?
Having said that, sometimes I think it's worth suffering the darkness if the cloud, to appreciate the glorious sunshine of the high.
A Moodscope member.